a page from my diary... a fragment of me!

When I was in my teenage, I used to wonder why I was born and what God intended to do with me, since I had no clue about what I wanted to do to with my life. At 30 plus I am still as clueless as I before. I still get confused about myself and people around me. The hypocrisy around me leaves me speechless. I mean I get baffled about how people have one set of rules for their actions and another set of rules for other people. I mean they would give you the world of impression that they care about you but when the time comes to practically show that concern, they not just back out but also make you hate yourself for involving them into your troubles in the first place.

The problem with me like any other introvert person is that I feel a lot and think a lot more but don’t share it with anyone. And my mistrust in humanity is re-emphasized with everything and everyone around me. Sometimes I wonder if I would be in any less pain mentally and physically if I shared my thoughts with people. Its not that I haven’t tried but whenever I did I have been badly misunderstood and I had to face myself as my cynic.

I mean I used to think that certain people thought in a certain way about me but now I realized that actually they thought the opposite and it makes me laugh at my own lack of understanding and wishful thinking. This humbles me like so many other things that humble me. But you know what humbles me the most, that I am walking the same grounds, breathing the same air and even making the same decisions about my life that so many before me did, those who were far more greater worthy but they all died and now not a sign of their lives remains. What remains is history who favors achievers and important people but not ordinary ones like me. You know who alexander is and who salahudin is but you don’t know who guarded his room when he slept , who cooked for him and who died to protect him.

Similarly after I die, who would know who ‘Amna’ was, what she thought and what she knew and found out or what she believed in….. no one. This single thought humbles me more than anything. The thought that I would become an insignificant part of the soil , a mere morsel for ants and insects.