When I was in my teenage, I used to wonder why I was born
and what God intended to do with me, since I had no clue about what I wanted to
do to with my life. At 30 plus I am still as clueless as I before. I still get
confused about myself and people around me. The hypocrisy around me leaves me
speechless. I mean I get baffled about how people have one set of rules for
their actions and another set of rules for other people. I mean they would give
you the world of impression that they care about you but when the time comes to
practically show that concern, they not just back out but also make you hate
yourself for involving them into your troubles in the first place.
The problem with me like any other introvert person is that I
feel a lot and think a lot more but don’t share it with anyone. And my mistrust
in humanity is re-emphasized with everything and everyone around me. Sometimes I
wonder if I would be in any less pain mentally and physically if I shared my
thoughts with people. Its not that I haven’t tried but whenever I did I have
been badly misunderstood and I had to face myself as my cynic.
I mean I used to think that certain people thought in a
certain way about me but now I realized that actually they thought the opposite
and it makes me laugh at my own lack of understanding and wishful thinking. This
humbles me like so many other things that humble me. But you know what humbles
me the most, that I am walking the same grounds, breathing the same air and
even making the same decisions about my life that so many before me did, those
who were far more greater worthy but they all died and now not a sign of their
lives remains. What remains is history who favors achievers and important
people but not ordinary ones like me. You know who alexander is and who
salahudin is but you don’t know who guarded his room when he slept , who cooked
for him and who died to protect him.
Similarly after I die, who would know who ‘Amna’ was, what
she thought and what she knew and found out or what she believed in….. no one. This
single thought humbles me more than anything. The thought that I would become
an insignificant part of the soil , a mere morsel for ants and insects.
